So, Jesus. It's almost the end of August. I mean, it is the end of August. Congratulations: Three-quarters of 2010 over. Only a couple dozen short months until the end of the world! I can only hope it involves superpowers for me.

Hey, it's my half-birthday! And it's the Perseids tonight, too. Which means my wishes should all come truuuuuuuue

Many societal norms just boggle my mind. Among them, congratulating new aunts/uncles/godparents/grandparents/what-have-yous on a child that is clearly not theirs. For that matter, I don't think the father deserves all that much credit, either, but I'm digressing from my snark. In a perfect world, an exchange would go something like this:

RELATIVE OF NEW BABY: I'm an aunt/uncle/grandparent/third-cousin! :-)
FRIENDLY BUT NOT-SO-SHARP ACQUAINTANCE: Congratulations!
RELATIVE OF NEW BABY: Thanks! It really came down to the wire on punching the mother-to-be in her inflated womb! Some days, I could feel the ol' fist of death just a-windin' up, ready to sock that fetus into next week, but I managed to take it out on some defenseless puppies instead. Incidentally, don't go near the wood chipper.
FRIENDLY BUT NOT-SO-SHARP ACQUAINTANCE: >:-O

And that's the way it would go. But, as Lock says, "I'm considerably acidic."